A Very Harry Christmas
by The Weird-er Sisters
Summary: A Christmas gift for Stephanie. She is probably the only one who will get some of these jokes, which is why it is her gift an not yours. Posted just for the heck of it. Happy Holidays, everyone.


A Very Harry Christmas  
  
Written by The Notorious C.H.E.R.I. for Stephanie this holiday season. Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Wee. A bit of D/G just for you. Should I hope for H/Hr? No. The only way I get H/Hr out of you is if they end up DEAD at the end of the fic (Curse you Evil!Ron!!!) Anyway, enjoy.  
  
It was a dark and stormy night. No, wait. It was a dark and stormy morning. Argh. Okay, fine. It was just morning. Christmas morning to be exact. Somwhere in London.nobody really knows where exactly for sure, not that they really care either way..Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley all woke up in the apartment they shared because it was morning and that is what you are supposed to do. They all exited their respective bedrooms and met up in the hallway.  
  
Harry, Ron, and Monie: *joining hands and dancing around in a circle like ring around the rosey* CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS! CHRISTMAS!!!  
  
They dropped each others hands and walked into the living room, pretending what just happened was only a dream. Under the Christmas tree were three piles of presents that wouldn't have looked out of place in the Three Bears house. One pile, Harry's, was very very large and filled mostly with racy gifts from trashy broads who wanted to shag the boy who lived. The second pile, Hermione's was just right: not too many gifts but just enough. The third pile, Ron's, was small. This was because he is poorer than dirt.  
  
Ron: You see that? I have less gifts than you two because I'm a damn poor ass Weasley.  
  
Harry and Hermione simply nodded in agreement. There is no point arguing the truth. Harry was the first to open a present. Inside the package was a pair of zebra striped underwear drenched in cheap perfume and a 50 page note outlining the many ways a certain Mary Sue Itsnotmeiswearthisisanoriginalcharacter would be the ideal woman for him. Harry scanned the note critically.  
  
Harry: Pffft. She doesn't do windows.  
  
Harry rumpled up the note and threw it into the fireplace. Hermione opened a gift next. It was a nerdy cardigan from her Muggle Dentist parents.  
  
Hermione: Oh how nice. They sent a card as well. *reads* "Dear Hermione, did you forget that we are muggle dentists? NO CANDY NO CANDY NO CANDY BLAARRRGGAAHHA!!!" Isn't it nice that they care?  
  
Harry and Ron look at her askance while wondering if there are 3 r's or 4 in BLAARRRGGAAHHA. Ron opens the largest gift in his pile. It is a foot thick cauldron from Percy with a PSA pamphlet "Thin Cauldron Bottom Tragedy: Do Not Let This Happen To You".  
  
Ron: Sweet Fying Jesus on a Firebolt! *passes PSA pamphlet to Harry and Hermione*  
  
Harry: *turning pamphlet upside down and sideways* Where is his..er.  
  
Hermione: For god's sake Harry you're 18 years old. You can say the word penis.  
  
Ron and Harry: Tee hee.  
  
The pamphlet is promptly sent into the fire to burn with Mary Sue's note. They continue to open gifts. Everyone gets a Weasley sweater and cake from Mrs. Weasley as she is too poor to afford cool Christmas gifts like Xbox. They get a lot of very nice things which I will not describe because I am bored with this part of the story. They all rose to their feet at once to go into the kitchen to get some breakfast. This small gesture showed how strongly bonded they were to each other. Not only did all three of them do things in unison all the time, they all liked to eat breakfast in the morning. Theirs is a friendship that will last the ages. Hung over the doorway leading to the kitchn was a sprig of mistletoe. Hermione stopped beneath it.  
  
Hermione: Mistletoe! Harry, give me a kiss!  
  
Harry: Hermione are you insane?! Don't you know that if I kiss you and we start going out Ron will go mad with jealousy and create an intricate plot to kill us both?!  
  
Hermione couldn't believe what Harry was saying. She looked to Ron, the boy who is so erradic in his behavior he makes something really.unsteady look.steady, in shock.  
  
Ron: *nodding, sheepishly* Yeah. I'd totally do that.  
  
Hermoine: Meh. I didn't particularly want to kiss you anyway, Harry.  
  
Hermione and Ron enter the kitchen while Harry stands by the mistletoe and blinks dumbly.  
  
Harry: *looking at mistletoe* Stupid plant. I hate you.  
  
Harry joins his friends in the kitchen. Ron is pouring a bowl of Unlucky Charms (100% Pure Evil! No Perservatives! Fun marshmallow shapes: silver snakes, red devils, black dark marks, and green clovers!). You-Know-Who was pictured on the box holding the bowl and smiling cheesily. Harry took a seat and grabbed the box from Ron, thrashed it soundly, called it a few bad names, and poured himself a bowl.  
  
Hermione: I wish you wouldn't beat up the cereal box each morning.  
  
Harry: It is evil. I, as a vanquisher of evil, must battle it. *pause* You're in charge of the shopping anyway. Stop buying it if you don't want me kicking it's ass.  
  
Hermione: You know it's the only cereal Ron will eat.  
  
Harry looks over to Ron, who is busy pulling all the cereal bits out of his bowl and throwing them on the floor, leaving only the fun marshmallow shapes.  
  
Ron: Hey, isn't this fic supposed to be about Christmas?  
  
Harry and Hermione reach into thin air and pull out a Santa Hat and reindeer antlers respectively. They are very powerful wizards. Cower before them! COWER!!  
  
Hermione: Let's sing a Christmas carol while we eat our improbable breakfast cereal.or in Ron's case, marshmallows and milk.  
  
Harry: *horribly off key* Mr. Hanky the Christmas poo! Small and brown, he comes from you! Sit on the toilet here he comes! Squeeze him 'tween your festive buns!  
  
Hermoine: HARRY!  
  
Harry abruptly stops singing and Ron stops air drumming with his spoon.  
  
Hermione: Forget the Christmas carols. Ugh.  
  
Ron: Want to play with the dreidle?  
  
Harry: That's Chanukah, Ron.  
  
Ron: Oh. Want to bob for apples?  
  
Hermione: That's Halloween.  
  
Ron: Damn. Wanna moon the neighbors?  
  
Hermione: That's International Show the Neighbors your Bum day you idiot!  
  
Ron: I know that! I just wanted to know if anybody wanted to moon the neighbors. You shouldn't have to wait till International Show The Neighbors You Bum day to show the neighbors your bum. It would be Unamerican if we were American.  
  
Harry: That reminds me of another great Christmas carol. *runs to the fridge and pulls out large cheese wheel* My bum is on the cheese! My bum is on the cheese! If I get lucky I'll get a disease!  
  
Hermione: Give me that! *rips cheese away from Harry's bum* I was going to serve that this afternoon when the company came over. *dusts off cheese a bit* There. That's better.  
  
Ron: What company is coming over? It better not be Microsoft cause if it is..*shakes fist menacingly*  
  
Hermione: Ugh, why am I even friends with you two idiots? Ginny is coming over this afternoon with her one true love Draco Malfoy, remember? And you two better be nice to him!  
  
Ron: And why the hell would I do that? He's a miserable piece of crap. Have you forgotten the fact that he called you a Mudblood NUMEROUS times?  
  
Hermione: Of course I have. Obviously, the only way I would ever condone a relationship between Draco and Ginny would be if I had a brain transplant. Which is why I'm so thankful that Harry got me one for my birthday.  
  
Harry: *proudly* Well, it was what you wanted.  
  
Hermione: *twitches, drools* Me talk pretty. Hee.  
  
Ron: Hermione! Do not. Forget. To breath! New brain no function oxygen well without, remember?  
  
Hermione: Duuuuur..yeah.  
  
Just a normal day at Chez Harry, Hermione, and Ron. It was almost like it wasn't Christmas at all. 


End file.
